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Dog Humor

Our dogs make us laugh, there’s no denying it.

Dog Humor is one of the purest forms of wit.  Puppies as they learn about their world get into mischief that rival any stand up comedian’s greatest lines. 

The slap stick nature of it makes it even funnier.  The great feature of it is that we can laugh at their antics without them getting annoyed or defensive.  That is the joy of pet ownership.

Laughter, according to Psychology Today, reduces pain, increases job performance, connects people emotionally, and improves the flow of oxygen to the heart and brain. Sounds like a good enough reason to me to take a break and have a laugh or two.

We have compiled a group of poems, jokes, riddles, and short quips that we found humorous. Here are our top choices of dog humor and jokes.   Hope you will enjoy our dog humor page too.

Dog Humor Poetry & Jokes

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Dog Humor #1:  If I Didn't Have Dogs...

I could walk around safely barefoot in the dark;

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated;

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture and cars would be free of dog hair

When the doorbell rang, it wouldn't sound like the SPCA kennels

When the doorbell rang, I could get to the door without wading thru four or five dog bodies who beat me there;

I could sit how I wanted to on the couch without taking into consideration where several little furbodies would need to get;

I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree.... like dog bones, stuffed animals and have to answer to people why I wrap them up;

I would not be on a first name basis with a vet;

Most used words in my vocabulary would not be: potty, outside, sit, down, come, no, and leave him/her ALONE;

My house would not be partitioned off into zones with baby gates;

My purse would not contain things like poop pick up bags and dog treats;

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, T-R-E-A-T-S, O-U-T-S-I-D-E, and F-R-I-S-B-E-E;

I would not buy weird things to stuff into 'kongs' or have to explain why I'm buying them, or what a "kong" is;

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside;

I would not look strangely at people who think having their ONE dog ties them down too much;

I would not have to answer the question why do I have so many dogs from people who will never have the joy in their life of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get.

Who else has a friend who considers you the MOST important thing in the whole wide world all the time?

--Author unknown--

Dog Humor #2:  Dear Dogs and Cats:  Dog Humor

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Dog Humor: 3:  Dogs and Cats are better than Kids Because...

Dog Humor #4:  Ten Reasons it’s Good to Be a Dog

1. If it itches - you can scratch it - even in public
   
   
2. No one notices or cares if you have hair growing in some weird places as you get older
   
   
3. Personal Hygiene ain't too bad - its not like you have to bathe everyday & somebody else combs your hair
   
   
4. Having a wet nose is a sign of good health
   
   
5. You don't need fancy entertainment systems - you got a bone
   
   
6. You can spend hours smelling stuff
   
   
7. You can spend all day sleeping, if ya want!
   
   
8. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're excited just see the same old people day after day. Heck all they have to do is leave the room for 5 minutes and come back in - and you're happy
   
   
9. You never have to pay for lunch or dinner - OR worry about your table manners
   
   
10. If you gain weight - it's someone else's fault!
    
                                                                                                                  --Author Unknown--
    

Dog Humor #5:  Puppy Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove
My human mom can hardly move.

I've trapped her legs, She's tucked in tight,
And here is where I pass the night.
No one disturbs me or dares intrude,
Til morning comes and "I want food!"

I sneak up slowly to begin,
My nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly, and looks at me
Then asks the question, "What's wrong puppy"?

The morning is here, And it's time to play
I always seem to get my way.

So thank you lord for giving me
This human mom that I see.
The one who hugs and hold me tight
And shares her bed with me at night!

Amen

Dog Humor #6:  Doggie Dictionary

• Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
  
  
• Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
  
  
• Drool: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
  
  
• Sniff: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
  
  
• Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
  
  
•  Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
  
  
• Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
  
  
• Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
  
  
• Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
  
  
• Bath: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
  
  
• Lean: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
  
  
• Children: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
  
  
• Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
  

Dog Humor #7:  The Life of a Puppy

This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."

Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird - it gave me gas.

I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.

That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.

I made streamers of T. P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick -- but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
She stopped-shook her head, and breathed,
"You're too fast."

Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.

When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.

That didn't last long, there was too much to do--
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.

I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."

The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.

Sitting under the table -- it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.

Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"

Mom turned off the TV, and said, "Time for bed."
Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.

Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight,
And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'.

--Author Unknown--

OK, OK, OK, this one isn't exactly dog humor, but for all you purebred dog fans out there, it's nice to give the breeder credit once in awhile.

Dog Humor #8:  How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Afghan
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Australian Shepherd
Put all the bulbs in a little circle ...

Beagle
Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Border Collie
Just one? And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Chihuahua
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund
I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Doberman Pinscher
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb

Hound Dog
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Irish Wolfhound
Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Labrador
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeease let me change the light bulb!!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Mastiff
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Malamute
Let the Border Collie do it.

Pointer
I see it! There it is! Right there!

Rottweiler
Go Ahead! Make me!

Shih Tzu
Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.

Toy Poodle
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cat
You need light to see?

Dog Humor #9 The Dog Commandments As seen through the eyes of a small dog lover...

I.   Thou shalt not act half-starved whenever thou watcheth me eat.

II.   Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water thy Christmas tree.

III.  Thou shalt not lie down next to me and make licking and popping noises.

IV.  Thou shalt not treat my shoes as your chew toy.

V.   Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the kitty litter box.

VI.  Thou shalt not pass gas and then walk away as if I have offended thee.

VII.  Thou shalt not run away in pursuit of a good time. Thou hast been neutered.

VIII. Thou shalt not hide thy bones under the covers or under my pillow.

IX.  Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 A.M. in the morning.

X.  Thou shalt not sneak up and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

--Author Unknown—

May I add a few commandments of my own?   

I know there is only supposed to be Ten Commandments, but as of today, I don’t think my dogs can count past five.

 

• Thou shalt not expect my undivided attention 24/7.

• Thou shalt eat of the food provided and not demand tidbits from my plate.

• Thou shalt not hoard my entire pillow, but bequeath me a small portion to lay my head.

• Thou shalt not bark into my ear at 4:30 AM in the morning. Thou shall be taken out in due time.

• Thou shalt not gather the entire multitude (i.e. pack) to accompany me to the bathroom. 

• Thou shalt not look at me with those big eyes, lest I give into your little whims.  
  
  
• Thou shalt not devour thy last stool, then endeavor to lick my face.
  
  
• Thou shalt leave all leaves, sticks, seeds, stones, and all else that you or I should not eat outside the house.
• Thou mayst sit upon my lap, keep my feet warm, provide my with devotion and companionship.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

• They live here. You don't.
• If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
• I like my pets a lot better than most people.
  To you, it's an animal.
  
• To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.